Monday, October 24, 2005

Red Hats

Is it just me, or is anyone else out there puzzled by all these Red Hat Societies?

I am, and I shall tell you why.

The poem goes, "when I am an old woman, I shall wear purple, with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me."

You ever see one of these Red Hat Societies? First, they are usually in the Society section of the paper, which is exceedingly proper, and second, those ladies' hats, albeit red, certainly do coordinate with their purple dresses, and suit them quite nicely. Granted, a lot of these Red Hat Societies are doing wonderful charitable work, but gals, puh-leeze -- stop coordinating.

Not matching is a principle concept. Along with learning how to spit. Okay?

So here is my contribution to the subject of aging:

When I am an Old Woman,

I shall wear enormous sweaters
With faded jeans and old roper boots.
And I shall spend my Social Security checks on yarn and cat food
And live entirely on tea, cheese and bread.
I shall sit on the porch on fall evenings,
With my feet propped up on the porch rail
And I shall knit and watch the sun go down
And nibble on chocolate all the while.

When I am an old woman I will spend all the time I want
With cats and dogs
Knowing that their love is unconditional
And, if they could speak and had thumbs,
That they would care for me if my old bones and addled brain
Fail to allow me to care for myself.

I will hang out in bookstores, sleep late every day,
Go to baseball games
And be glad for the warmth of my cats on the bed at night.
I will write long letters, full of unsolicited advice,

in my own handwriting,
and send them to my relatives,
And I shall knit blankets for each of my friends.

When I am an old woman I shall ride horses
Old horses, like me
They won't have to go fast because I will want to see

everything that goes by.
I shall stroke my cats and take naps with my dog
I shall incessantly wear a tired rain hat (the tan canvas one),
And take walks in the woods on foggy mornings.

I shall flip the bird to bad drivers and cuss whenever I want to
and I shall drive an old car covered in bumperstickers,
advising those behind me of my opinions.

I shall cut my hair close, and not give a damn if my butt looks big
Or if people think I talk too much
I shall not apologize for inconsequential matters,
Or explain myself to anyone.

Old women can get away with things.

-- Mambocat

copyright (c) 2005 Dez Crawford; all rights reserved


At 11:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 11:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 4:33 PM, Blogger Tropical Screamer said...

Amen, Sister.


At 4:37 PM, Blogger Joan said...

Ohmygawd, you just described me perfectly. I also sit with my legs not properly crossed, don't have my nails done, swear when the need arises and when I slop coffee down the front of my shirt, I don't change it. Yep, I'm normal, the rest of world is nuts.

At 8:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 2:06 PM, Blogger Wendy said...

Oh Dez! You have described me and I'm not even an old woman yet! I'm middle age and will be knitting with purple yarn, since that is what most of my stash is. With 3 dogs and 3 cats, I have lot's of fuzzies to keep me warm.

At 4:47 PM, Anonymous Barbara-Kay said...

Right! Absolutely-bloomin-right!

At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Debbie said...

Dez, you have such a way with words.

At 4:02 PM, Blogger Ann said...

I am speechless. You have captured my vision for my future!

At 5:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 8:16 PM, Anonymous Debbie Coker said...

"When I Am An Old Woman" is absolutely delightful. But I would expect nothing else from you, Dez. I enjoy everything you write! With your love of animals and knitting, and your sense of humor, I'd love to have the opportunity to meet you some day. Debbie

At 4:43 AM, Blogger Ann said...

Dez, it may be time to install the spam trapper that Blogger added recently.

Just sayin'


At 5:06 AM, Blogger Dez Crawford said...

Thanks to everyone for your nice thoughts and for supporting my blog!

I really appreaciate it.

And Ann, thanks for clue-ing me in to that option. I'll invoke it. One or two spams I can tolerate, but not this many!


At 9:47 AM, Blogger Tropical Screamer said...

Thinking of you Dez. Hope all is well.


At 4:30 AM, Blogger Knitamaniac said...

May I have permission to post your poem to our guild newsletter. Oh, my gosh... it is the best. Our guild is the Western Reserve Knitting Guild and it's website is :

At 6:49 PM, Blogger Dez Crawford said...

Knitamaniac, you are more than welcome to share if you just remember to copyright it to me.

Please email me at and I will give you my address so you can send me a copy.


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